by Prudence Muzenda | Uludağ University, Turkey
I smiled back to my mum as she waved goodbye. “What a determined girl.” She must have said to herself. It had became her everyday routine to stand by the gate as l walked towards the bus stop. “Don’t think too much.” She’d always say. “One day it will come through”. Smiling was like a gift that the Almighty had given me before he even knew what l was going to become. I smiled a lot despite the second world that I lived through in my head. It was only a few days after l had finished high school and my world seemed as if another. I had passed the whole lot of 6 years in someone’s care. If not the matrons’ it was my parent’s. I had had a couple of friends who made up “the squad” and was popular in school. Life was too easy. After getting a few cerevitas and maputiprobably a little mazoe that was it! I would spent 3 months at my second home smiling all term long. I was an A student and loved what l studied. I was the type that my mum would put in a lecture for 3 to 4 hours if l had a B in whatsoever class. I’d later cry and assure her passes the next term. Like l said before, life was very easy…
I stood by the bus stop as l waited for the kombi (commuter omnibus) that I was sure would pass in no time. It had been almost 2weeks since I had started this daily routine to the internet café. There was no Wi-Fi back home and the Econet data services were expensive for all I wanted to research on. Frankly I had had no whatsoever intentions to study in my country as I felt the type of area I wanted to specialise in wanted a little bit of abroad knowledge and meeting other nationalities. It was true. Since I finished my O levels I knew the commercial sector was the one. Studying economics or actuarial sciences could not escape my mind. Something close to what would help me help my own country. I was passionate about it, but my mum had made it clear that she had other kids and could not fully fund my school abroad. It was expensive. It was then that l decided to look for a scholarship or any sort of funding henceforth me waking up everyday to the internet café. I had researched enough and realized it was not easy to secure anything… But I did not give up. All I wanted was to gain knowledge abroad, relate with other nationalities and get exposed. With this thought in mind , I never gave up. It was at this moment that l realised life was not what it looked like in the past six years. We used to get the pocket money, used to get majiggies, maLays and all the other sweet nothings. It all meant money. I realized that my parents had used so much on me. How hard it was to be a parent, I thought to myself…
As you move on with life ask yourself the three questions , Who am l? Where am I going? and How do l get there?
Days passed and I continued with my routine but still got nothing. It was only then I decided to apply to countries that had low tuition than what l had aimed before. I would later on work there to help pay if the worst came or I would apply for scholarships when l got there l thought to myself. The idea helped, I got somewhere. “I will work for my pocket money as l wait mum.” I told her, putting up the smile that seemed to attract her so much since l had known her. She had agreed to the idea. I was excited! I had secured a place and I was going to FINALLY stop my daily routine and start a new one, look for a job. This way I could convince her l was planning for my life. Of course the routine continued, well this time with a different agenda, a job. I was going to work for 8months as I would wait for the next year to start school.. It was hard securing something but I knew it would help me in a lot of ways. I was not a child anymore, l smiled to myself. The fact that I could make my own CV and speak to a manager professionally. I felt it. I felt all grown .
After days and days of trying, I was eventually invited to an interview by the OK supermarket in the city centre. I was excited how things were going as planned. I was going to save up all the money and get a new start abroad. I could not wait. While l celebrated my invitation another thought came to my head. I realized working as a shopkeeper would bring me to the spotlight. I mean I would have to meet everyone around, from everywhere and no soon they would spread rumours back in high school that one of the “cool squad gangers” was now working as a shopkeeper. I couldn’t face that . I mean it was too much for me. After a long linger of the thought in my mind I finally settled to what l could say then was the best. “I can’t take the job mum”. I said to her trying to put up a face that wasn’t accepting many questions. “I’m sure the other places l applied to will respond too. There’s no need to rush. I will let this one pass”. Shocked with this abrupt decision, “why would that be? Had something happened?” She asked inquisitively. Frankly speaking, nothing had happened I later on explained to her my reasons. It was then that for the first time in my life at 18 I sat with my mother and got a life lecture. All the other times had been because of the school report and others were done not exactly thorough than this had been done.
“People sleep long and wish they could still sleep so that they see well their dreams and they do not want to wake up because they don’t want to face reality. Boldly speaking you have been leaving in a world that was not yours. All your life has had people with a great influence on it. Technically speaking you have not done anything for yourself so far. It has always been someone. You have been trapped in a bunch of high school circles that were probably not even a hint of your life circles. You have been having biology, history and geography classes but those were not life lessons. They are the theoretical aspect of life and not the realistic. You have not learnt anything if you still cant do anything because of the world and its thoughts. You have not woken up to face reality. Life itself is not a bed of roses. You will meet people, who stay and go, but from all of them you should learn something . You’ll be accepted and in some cases and be casted in some but believe me you that is just life and what it has to offer. Some will come to waste your time and some to create everlasting memories. Not everyone will care about you but at least everyone will pretend to. You have been asking for money all the time, you have asked for school grocery top ups and so forth but now you will have to make budgets yourself and make life decisions yourself. ‘The Squad’ you want to protect will probably not be your top friends in a few years to come. Where you go, I will not be there anymore. In some days you shall find no friend at all to talk to and in some instances everyone will go beyond your back , that’s the reality of life. You shall have sleepless nights and have a lot of undone things when the time is already past , that again is normal with life. Don’t panic! You have to start being focused and write up your dreams and achieve them. Time will not wait for you, you need to start thinking outside the box. All that any man achieves and all that any man fails to achieve is a great impact of their thoughts. Your thinking and actions will have an effect on your life. In some instances you will have to wait until you cannot wait no more. In some cases again not waiting will be worth the risk. I understand your way of thinking right now but remember the biggest room in the world is the room for change. You will fail so many times and you will quit so many times but the person you want to become does not allow the word failure. Instead she sees failure as a stepping stone. To help her improve on what she has not done well. Like l said, the ball will be on your court. To look at it ,to throw it away or to use it.. Think deeply and do not be fooled howsoever. As you move on with life ask yourself the three questions , Who am l? Where am I going? and How do l get there?.These should be the three fundamental questions to your life. Even when you get held back rise and look up to the three questions. Have a clear view of your destination. As the “I”suggests in the three questions, its only YOU involved and no one else. Do not be fooled by the world and want to please them, it is your life. Take a lead on it! Forget the cocoon you have grown in all these years. Think about you, your road and how you will get there. Don’t let anything stop you…”
For a moment I was stuck. I hardly moved. It was as if a thousand pieces of sharp daggers had crawled through my spine.. The talk had been real and scary. It was my time to look up to myself because no one else would. It was time to face reality!!!!!!
Originally posted on Prud’s personal blog>> https://prudmuzenda.wordpress.com